It started out innocently enough-I was just trying to take advantage of technology. Moving away meant I would no longer be able to have lunch with my friends in El Salvador every day to catch up and take a break from work, or do my Sunday brunch with my three old friends from way back.And I still wanted to feel connected- It was a lifeline of sorts. The irony of it is that in my case these leaps in techie socialization-especially group chats- have turned out to be a double edged sword. Chat is a handy tool but it can never replace the foundations of a friendship. Chat allows you to take a lot of the aspects of a relationship for granted. We chatted, so we're ok. We sent out group jokes- yeah, we're all still friends.
When I'm here in the U.S. my friends and I "chat". What I've realized is that long distance friendships (in pretty much the same way as romantic relationships) cannot survive being built on the path of least resistance. An effort needs to be made. Because chat is just that. It is small talk, it is a wave with an emoji stuck next to it, not much of a commitment, a nod. It is not a connection. Unlike a real conversation a chat stops when your kid comes calling and is left there unreturned to until a new chat starts up in a day or two (if that). Guilty as charged. The problem is that the rules for these conversations are so lax it is actually perceived as ok to stop mid sentence and go water your plants. That would be the equivalent of being in a meeting and leaving the table without a word. We accept it because no one's there to call us out. Well I am calling it out.
I know for a fact that there is more going on with me and my friends, than we let on via chat. Who are we telling the remaining bits to? who are we giving the eye contact, the hugs, the legit Hellos? Why do we take this fake sense of closeness provided by a Group Administrator and take for granted that we as humans, as friends, as beings who thrive on connection and physical contact are satisfied with it? Because I am not. I am not ready to let go of the art of making and nurturing a friendship organically. I am not ready to live describing my feelings and my thoughts with emojis and acronyms. When you're with friend and you laugh so hard tears come to your eyes-that can't be minimized to a ROTFL. Those are the moments that make up life itself. You want time to stand still.That doesn't happen with chat. Chat is for "Where are you?" a walk with someone is for "Where are you in life?"
I like things with substance and that don't feel hollow. I like it for example when I run down to Carol's house without calling first. I will find her in her porch on bench reading a book- her kid will be in the vicinity and will pop her head out when she sees me and Finn. Carol and I shoot the shit on the bench while our kids play on the floor. We eat grapes and veggie straws. We don't wear shoes or airs- we are two friends who bask in each other's company. It just occurred to me that Carol and I have never what'sapped.
I read somewhere that technology is forcing us to say goodbye to hello. Nobody calls each other anymore. I for one intend to move with the times, but not at such a high price. I am hoping I have chosen my friends wisely and they'll get it too. I can't think they wouldn't. Who wants to hide behind and iphone when there's such joy in companionship? Who would give up the sun for a screen's eery glow?
