This is a letter I wrote my son on his birthday...We are moving this week and while boxing everything up I came across this notebook. Mother's day seemed like a great day to share.
My dearest Bubba, Lovey, Finnegan, "Finn" Xavier,
We should give each other a kiss today. It is our birthday. On February fourth, one year ago, not one but two people were born in that OR. Thirty nine weeks of waiting, forty hours between my first contraction and your first cry, and an instant later you came into the world and so did I. You could argue I gave you life, but I can assure you it was the other way around.
The woman who held you and fed you is not the same one that conceived you. I was chickenshit and you made me brave. Choosing to be a mother is a most farfetched gamble- you trade in a care free life for an eternal achilles heel. I now have a weak spot, I accepted fear as part of life and learned to live without the arrogance of one who has nothing to lose. As I am stirred to tears watching you sleep, I am painfully aware that losing you would shatter my life irrevocably. I will spend my life fending for you, worrying about you, and trying to spare you pain. I won't go to bed until I know you've come home, I will worry about the company you keep but I will have to tip toe around it to keep the communication channel open.
It's not all worries and angst at all, I also learn from you, even now. I have learned that a roof, a full belly, and unconditional love and security are all a human being needs to be happy and thrive. I have seen the way you discover the world, with such awe and newness and it makes me want see the world through your eyes. You're not complacent with what you know, you always want to explore, see more, you are interested and interesting. You have also unlocked a solidarity unknown to me before you. It has especially hit home with children's causes because I realize that to those parents their sick children are -like you are to me-identical miracles.
So thank you for your lessons, thank you for the gummy smiles, for this year of moments I will forever hold in my memory because they can never be replicated. Thank you for all the happiness I never knew was possible- and thank you for choosing me.
I love you,
Your Mama
